Learning to live in your own skin...

Sometimes I go back and forth between being completely at peace being alone... and other times, all I want is someone to hang out with. I have been blessed with having quite a few friends and acquaintances who I believe enjoy spending time with me, but sometimes I notice that I'm out of the loop with them. You know, sometimes you enjoy just being at home and relaxing. And... when you live with two other people, it's not like you're ever really alone.

So where am I going with all of this? I'll tell you!

Today I was talking with Cez on the phone about how I was craving a really good breakfast, but that I probably wouldn't make McDonald's in time (it was pretty close to 11am!) and since it was about lunchtime anyways, I would probably just make something here at the house. And, he asked me why I didn't just go to the Waffle Shop and get breakfast if that's what I wanted to eat. The first response out of my mouth was one that actually surprised me even... I told him that I didn't want to go by myself to go out to eat because I didn't want to look like a loser. I felt that somehow that related to being that kid in the cafeteria who always ate by themselves because no one else wanted to sit with them. He proceeded to give me a hard time about this line of thinking... and if he wanted me to be a "big girl" and just go and enjoy my own company... then he succeeded!

Off I went to the Waffle Shop for my breakfast... and after waiting in line and grabbing a copy of the local paper, I sat at the counter and ordered what had to be the biggest breakfast I've had in a long time. In addition to that, I was able to overhear some interesting conversations in my solitude: people concerned about retirement, wondering if they had it in them for one last move, wondering if they were going to be okay to support themselves and their family. It's amazing to me how people deal with burnout in their lives, one man's solution was to retire from his position at the university in search of a new adventure-- holding out long enough for his daughter to graduate in May.

Then comes the eternal question: what next?

It seems that this must be a recurring theme or something. Here, I in my youth (as the men next to me pointed out that I should enjoy it while I can!) am at a point where I am asking God, fate, and myself that very question. I'm wondering where I will go, what I will do... and yet people in their other stages of life are asking the very same question for a very different reason.

I wonder if this is a long-term thing that sticks around with you throughout adulthood. I know you're never really concerned with these things when you're younger because it seems someone else is always making the decisions for you. And as much as asking "Where do I go from here?" is important-- so is trying to learn to really like yourself and spending time alone with you and your thoughts. I think this will be something I will have to continue to adjust to as I continue to grow and age... and especially as the question, "What next!??!" comes into play from time to time.