A "tired" posting...

I have been sitting in front of the computer, looking at this page and wondering how the heck to go about starting an entry I'm honestly too tired to write. I feel obligated to update this for some reason though, particularly because I am sure there may be a few people that actually care what I'm up to and where I've been lately-- especially since all there have been are memes (what you and I know as glorified MySpace surveys!) filling most of the entries.

So. Here's your content.

I have recently been heavily preoccupied with sorority recruitment here at Happy Valley U. Part of my role as an advisor with the sorority is to actually be TWO advisors in one: Recruitment and Membership Education. Typically, around this time of year-- one falls by the wayside until the other is successfully completed. This year, I have to admit that I feel like a failure in a big way simply because both aspects of this are FUBAR-ed and now there will be many conference calls and meetings to try to understand where we went wrong.

(sigh)

How can I begin to describe the beast that is recruitment? Well, for about TWO weeks (since Happy Valley U refuses to get this done during the summer!) we are stuck in a pretty much nightly routine of parties, skits, conversations, songs, and other fun things. Except that this year took the cake in MANY aspects! Not only were there a number of women who withdrew from recruitment this year (a RECORD number I might add...), there was even more disgruntledness than usual in our own chapter. After the first rounds, it became abundantly clear that our women were totally not prepared-- not prepared to try to meet new women or to carry out conversations that weren't completely awkward. If anything, the awkward nature of it all was even more apparent this year than it usually is. We had our typical battles-- us versus them-- our late nights and complete miscommunication with the higher ups. So, I guess if anything... I guess everything was really like it usually is-- if I think about it and spin it the right way.

The thing is, this year... recruitment left me with a completely foul taste in my mouth. So bad, that I have had the hardest time recuperating from it (despite the ear and upper respiratory infection-- or perhaps in addition to!). I am completely disillusioned with the entire thing and feel that almost all my efforts, time, and dedication have been for nothing. I am left wondering why I even bother honestly. The more I learn in the days after the completion of Fall recruitment, the more I am left wondering what the hell has been going on? Have they been hiding information from us? Where did we fall off track? Are we going to be able to recover... and if so, how the heck are we supposed to do that given where we are?

It's questions such as these that make me sigh and want to sleep for a REALLY long time.

God bless my students though... apparently, despite my lack of commitment to them and their concerns for two weeks-- they are up and raring to go. I feel bad for leaving them off alone for awhile, but I really didn't. I was there teaching and sitting in my office like I should be-- but let's be honest. My mind was clearly elsewhere, and now that I think about it... it wasn't fair to them at all. I very often wonder how the women who I look up to within my sorority manage to do what they do on a daily basis-- many of them work, have fiancés, families, pets-- and still manage to dedicate a large amount of time to this organization. Here I am with nothing more than a job and a dissertation and I still can't manage to cope. What gives?

I wish there were a way for me to care less about people who very clearly don't care about me.

I wish there were a way to make people be silent and listen to what you're saying-- particularly when you're trying to express the good intentions that you have.

I wish there were a way for me to effectively communicate with these women, because regardless of the years of education that I have-- I can't seem to find a way to make them understand.

Most of all, I wish there was a way I could walk away and not feel guilty for doing so. I want to quit and get back to getting MY LIFE together, but I realize that this is always going to be a part of it, no matter what I do.

It is because of this organization that I have made the best friends that I will ever have-- whether in Texas or here in PA.

It is because of this organization that I have learned what respect means to different people, because apparently we don't all define it the same way.

It is because of this organization that I have gained experiences in dealing with collegians in a completely different way. I am still a teacher in many respects, but also a sister to some women who are wonderful in many ways.

It is because of this organization that I was able to get a different view of life as an adult. I am more than just some academic-- I have a life outside of that.

Granted, that life is challenging beyond words more often than not, but it is what it is.